


The Raw Deal

by PorcelainLove



Series: The Adventures of Smoldyn Izunia [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: De-aged Ardyn, Even bb Ardyn, Everyone gangs up on Noct, Gen, Gladio POV, Picky Eaters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 22:57:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14531178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PorcelainLove/pseuds/PorcelainLove
Summary: Picky eaters, you either are one or you know one.  But what do you do if you're trying to teach someone to eat healthy and all they want to do is follow your bad habits?You suck it up, is what.  Ignis's wrath is no laughing matter.





	The Raw Deal

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I've made this a series. No I don't see it ever being super popular.
> 
> Do I care? NO.  
> Am I having fun? HALE YES.
> 
> Chirren are sneaky little monsters and I love them.

“Gross.”

“Ardyn, don’t be rude.” Gladio spoke sharply from across the table drawing looks from all parties.  He ignored them all and took a big forkful of the ‘gross’ greenery and shovelled it into his mouth. “Mmm, yummy!”

Ardyn rolled his eyes as dramatically as only a toddler could.  He picked up his fork and pushed the vegetables around his plate.  There was silence from the rest of the table and everyone resumed eating but it was clear they were all watching the child out of the corner of their eye.

“Looks like poop.” Ardyn scrunched his nose and mimed throwing up.  There was a snort from across from him which cut off abruptly and turned into a coughing fit.  Gladio sat a little straighter, as if to suggest he hadn’t done anything involving his foot and Prompto’s knee.

No one believed that. Not even Ardyn.

“Come on, kiddo. Iggy worked real hard tonight, at least try some.”  Ignis nodded infinitesimally, pleased that someone had realized the amount of effort that had gone into dinner.  That nod ceased when Prompto opened his big mouth wider and continued.

“Besides, if your poop looks anything like this there’s something seriously wrong with your digest--.”

“Prompto!”

“What! It’s true!  I mean… sorry. Sorry, I know, I know.” Prompto huffed at Ignis’s look and took his own big bite.  “Scrumptious. Eat up big guy.”

“That’s not my name.” Ardyn grouched as he brought a tiny bit of… whatever it was Ignis had prepared (Gladio wasn’t sure other than it was definitely healthy) and licked it.  Okay, those shudders were just unnecessary. The kid was obviously just as theatrical as his old self was. All he needed now was a miniature red sports car to complete his look.

Gladio was curious about how much Ardyn actually remembered because while the boy wasn’t old enough to go into detailed descriptions… he’d sure accumulated enough scarves from here and there to open up his own store. And he wouldn’t even share.

“Hey, it suits you too!  You’re a big boy, aren’t you?” Prompto tried to save face.  Usually Ardyn didn’t take out his dinner frustrations on him.  “And if you wanna get even bigger you’re going to have to eat a lot.”

Ardyn dropped his fork and waited for the clatter of metal on ceramic to subside.  “You call _him_ that, not me, and you wake me up sometimes. I’m _not_ little, I’m _Ardyn_.” He emphasized his name like he was himself talking to children.  He also didn’t seem to notice Prompto’s swift colour change from pink to red and then to mortified white.

Gladio turned the same colours in much the same order.  Obviously they were a big louder at night than they’d noticed.

“He’s not eating either. Yell at him.”

Everyone followed Ardyn’s little finger as it pointed to his favourite daddy of the group: Noct.  (Not that technically any of them asked Ardyn to call them ‘daddy’, forcing that seemed a bit strange even if it was the general assumption when four grown men were raising a child).

To his credit, Noct pretended not to notice.  He just kept picking away at his dinner, clearly avoiding any semblance of vegetables, and cut his meat into smaller and smaller pieces to keep himself occupied.  There was no way in hells he wanted to look up and be drawn into conversation.

“You’re correct, Ardyn.” Ignis’s smooth voice said confidently. “He isn’t eating his vegetables _yet._ ”  There was an ominous quality to Ignis’s final word there and Gladio felt a sudden and unexplainable desire to stuff his mouth full of green.  Anything to keep that frosty tone away from him.

Noct paused, his final piece of meat dangling from his fork.  It was only inches from his lips and Gladio could tell Noctis wanted to eat but… Ignis seemed to have finally caught his attention. Like an anak in the headlights, Noct stared at Ignis with a mixture of despair and dread.  He knew what Ignis was going to say next - they all knew.

“ _But he will._ ”

Gladio wanted popcorn.  This was amazing and he had front row seats to the best eyebrow and nostril flaring conversation he’d ever been privy to _in his life_. And that included when he and Ignis were still walking that fine line between love and hate.

Prompto was obviously suicidal, or looking to have the couch to himself that evening because he piped up too.

“Yup, you know Noct - always saving the best for last.  He eats the stuff he _doesn’t like_ first because then he’s got all the time in the world to savour his favs.” Gladio had to bite his tongue to keep from outwardly grinning like a madman.  Prompto definitely deserved a reward for that giant pile of lies.

And Gladio was in a very generous mood.

If looks could kill, Prompto would be a tiny smear of black and yellow ash on the ground.  But Noct knew that no matter how annoyed he was, there was no way he would allow Ardyn to grow up poorly behaved.  Which meant…

“That’s right, Ardyn.” The King got out through gritted teeth as he stared at Ignis’s impassive face. “I love veggies, totally.  No one could _ever_ call _me_ a picky eater.” Glare.  But he was keeping up the ruse.

“See?  Now you eat your dinner and Noct will as well.  Keep in mind dessert is waiting so whoever finishes first will get their choice of fruit tart.” Ignis clicked his tongue, pleased.

Gladio raised his hand - he was done.  Ignis paid no attention. Gladio lowered his hand in sadness.  It wasn’t fair, kids got everything first.

“Really? Is there ulwaat berry?” Ardyn looked excited and Gladio couldn’t blame him. Iggy’s desserts were the stuff of legends.

Ignis looked affronted. “Of course, I would never forget to make your favourite. Now eat up.”

Ardyn excitedly took up his spoon, filled it, and… paused.  He was waiting for Noct to make the first move, looked like.

By the Six, if Gladio could take a picture now without anyone finding out, he’d make a killing on the blackmail market. King Noctis Lucis Caelum wishing death on someone over vegetables  The tabloids would have a field day and the mothers would use that information to push healthier eating in classrooms around the country.

...Hey, that kind of change could be good for the world, no?

But Gladio would probably find himself banished from the bedroom until the end of time.

While Gladio was honestly weighing that list of pros and cons, he almost missed Noct’s fork move as if held down by a behemoth, bringing food to his mouth.  Was his portion full of lead somehow? Dewy pink lips parted and white teeth clacked gently against the metal of the fork as Noct made a conscious effort to look thrilled.

As if that were all he’d been waiting for, Ardyn proceeded to shovel his food down at three times the pace he had before.  Whether it had all been a ploy to get Noctis to eat properly or the promise of delicious dessert had worked, Gladio wasn’t sure.

But based on Noct’s unimpressed face, Ignis’s neutral look, and Prompto’s absolute glee, someone would be getting punished tonight.

Or maybe they all would. It was a big bed, after all.

And, hopefully, Ardyn would be none the wiser.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally have four other open tabs all with WIPs a-waiting my nimble fingers. That said, if anyone has any requests for Smolyn and his co-parents, gimme a holler. :)


End file.
